Larchkit and Starclan's AWFUL idea
by Emberclaw
Summary: There's a bit of a problem in Starclan... an insane, all powerful warrior by the name of Stargleam is threatening every version of reality. When Larchkit gets into some hot-water with Yellowfang, Bluestar knows she has found the perfect (if unwilling) volunteer. Follow Larchkit in her insane and hilarious adventure to save all of reality from Stargleam. Rated T for light swearing.
1. Chapter 1: Starclan's Idea

Larchkit trotted past the tall oaks of Starclan. It was a warm green-leaf day - the usual. Starclan was boring - endless prey, no change and being bound their by the rules (Larchkit wanted to claw whoever made them up). They were no better than kittypets. In her huff, she hadn't noticed she'd stepped on someone's tail. A very important someone.

"LARCHKIT!" Yellowfang howled. The moment Larchkit processed what terrible things Yellowfang would most certainly punish her with, she was off. Even in Starclan, Yellowfang could always find a way to torture what ever unlucky cat annoyed her. Sadly, it had taken too long to process how many ways Yellowfang would torture her that the spry, old she-cat was already on her tail.

Larchkit sped up, swerving around the trees and shrubs. Out of the corner of her eye, Larchkit spotted a tree root peeking from the ground, at just the right angle to catch someone's paw...but it was too late to stop now. Larchkit tripped, the momentum of her fast-paced sending her tumbling through the air. She hit the ground with a heavy thump and lay still, eyes closed.

Yellowfang kicked the she-kit in the belly. "Your already dead you stupid furball." she growled through her fangs (which were in fact yellow). Larchkit groaned. Damn that convenient root. She sighed and rose to her paws. Yellowfang grabbed her by the scruff and started hauling her away to do Starclan knows what - actually, it was probably best she didn't know.

Suddenly, a muscular grey she-cat stepped from the trees deep in conversation with the two cats who flanked her - a white tom she recognized as Whitestorm and a sleek, pale ginger she-cat she knew as Goldenflower. Larchkit realized with a jolt that this wasn't just any old Starclanner, it was Bluestar. As if on cue (Larchkit had to wonder if there _had_ been a cue. She wouldn't put it past Yellowfang, the old hairball) the grey leader caught sight of the medicine cat and her detainee. "Yellowfang, what as this cat done?" Bluestar sighed, this was the fourth time this had happened that moon. "She _stepped _on _my _tail!" Yellowfang growled "and the furball didn't even say sorry!"

Whitestorm nudged Bluestar, who leaned back to hear him. Her clear blue eyes gained a kind of twinkle Larchkit didn't think she liked. "Yellowfang, do you have any problems with a change of, erm, plans...?" Bluestar was winking hard. Something was definitely up - were they even trying to hide it? Yellowfang got the message quickly "I'm fine with that Bluestar..." her gruff voice had gained an oily quality to it. Bluestar flicked her tail "Come."

Whitestorm and Goldenflower flanked the leader as she padded towards a grove of trees while Yellowfang took the rear. The grove was the regular Starclan stunningly beautiful. Golden sun rays trickled through the leaves that covered the circular clearing like a canopy. In the middle was a pristine blue pond with a few water lilies floating on the surface. Larchkit had never been here before, but she had heard that this was how the older Starclan members watched the living.

"Now Larchkit" Bluestar began "we have a mission for you. Watch." She swept her grey paw over the water the crystal pool and to Larchkit's amazement (and considerable confusion) a scene began to appear: a purplish-blue she-cat with orange eyes and a large white star emblazoned on her head stood upon the high ledge of Thunderclan. She was nauseating to look at.

"Where-" Larchkit began but Bluestar cut her off "This is an alternate reality, one among many."

Larchkit gaped at the pool. An alternate reality? How was that even possible?

"The cat on the ledge is Gleamstar, formally known as Thunderclan's deputy: Stargleam." The silver-blue leader continued. "This reality used to be one much like our own: there were some changes of course...Cinderpelt never became a medicine and was Firestar's mate and Stormfur died instead of Feathertail, the three were different too, but mostly the same. That was when Gleamstar came: she was a normal she-kit named Skykit, the third daughter of Cloudtail and Brightheart, when an accident happened; she had escaped camp and had gone to the lake where she fell in. As she drowned, Starclan decided to grant her one last wish: they would give her anything she wanted. Little did they know that Skykit was already a bit of a twisted little kit and with her last wish she granted herself unimaginable power. She became Starkit, daughter of Jayfeather and Dawnsparkle, an all powerful warrior of, umm, much appeal to toms. And a few she-cats. She has every cat at her beck and call. We have seen what happens time and time again...BECAUSE THE FRACKING FANFICS CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF HER!" everyone stared at the leader for a moment before she regained her composure. "If she is not stopped, her power will grow further and even reach here. All of reality would be destroyed, replaced by her twisted world."

Larchkit was silent for a moment. It was all too much. She could handle the alternate realities, the twisted warlord Starkit but what the heck was a fanfic?! When Larchkit regained her ability to speak she asked her question "and your telling me this, why...?"

"We have just enough power to send one cat to that reality. One there, one back. We have decided that you are the perfect cat for the job."

"Wait" the she-kit asked as the Starclan warriors stared her expectantly "how do you expect me to defeat and _all powerful _warrior with every warrior in the _clans _at her side?!"

Yellowfang shrugged "I'm sure you'll think of somethin'"

With that, Larchkit watched Goldenflower lunge forward and push her into the pool. As she spiraled downward through the crystalline water around her, with no end in sight she faintly heard a call from above

"DID I MENTION SHE'S A BIT OF A NAZI?"

Well, Larchkit thought bitterly, just my luck.

**Author's Note: As you know, I don't own Stargleam. But while the basic setting and characters will be the same but the grammar will be fixed and the story will be much different 3 **


	2. Chapter 2: Glitterkit is Born

Larchkit groggily opened her eyes, awakened by the sound of a she-cat's voice. She was in a Nursery, oddly similar to Thunderclan's , with sunlight streaming through the branches that served as a roof. That was weird, she thought, Starclan didn't have a Nursery - or any other dens like this - since it never rained. Suddenly, the memories of what had happened flooded back to her.

On the bright side, Larchkit thought, they left me with my memory. She scolded herself - She was thinking like Hollykit. The she-cat's voice once again brought her back from the depths of her mind. "Starkit, Glitterkit, you have an important day today!"

Oh no, thought Larchkit. A surge of wrath rose in her body and she could feel her ears burn.

"My name is _not _Glitterkit."

The she-cat looked down at her with unnaturally huge, cloudy blue eyes. "Of course it is." The she-cat mewed, her blank bug eyes still staring at Larchkit unnervingly. "No it's not." Larchkit said again, slower this time - she was getting the feeling that the queen was not especially bright. The she-cat tipped her head to the side (Larchkit was pretty sure her massive eyes were weighing her down, but she wasn't sure) "Well what is it then?"

"Larchkit" she said proudly, daring that she-cat to try and call her Glitterkit again. Suddenly, her attention was drawn back to the nest across from her. Starkit sleepily rose her head, showing off her star. It was still nauseating. "What do you want, butter?" she murmured, her voice thick and wobbly with sleep. The queen hurried over to Starkit "Oh love! It's a very important day!"

Starkit leaped up, all sleepiness forgotten, "OUR APPRENTICE CEREMONY!". Starkit's orange eyes were incredibly distracting and it took a moment for Larchkit to process what was just said. The queen nodded and nudged the kits close "Now remember kits, just because I'm from Shadowclan and your daddy's a medicine cat doesn't mean we're different..."

"Yeah, it actually does" Larchkit blurted out. The queen blinked, and her blue eyes began to clear "Your right...it doe-" Slowly, Starkit turned towards her. In the depths of her orange eyes Larchkit saw a cold darkness, full of raw power. Power enough to rip her to shreds. Meticulously, as if she was attempting to persuade them, Starkit spoke "No...it...does...not."

The queen's massive blue eyes clouded again "No...it doesn't..." she murmured dreamily. As if on cue, Firestar's booming voice filled the camp "Starkit and Glitterkit!" Larchkit rolled her eyes "You need to be made apprentices!"

Larchkit stepped forward warily. As if they all had a script to follow, the other Thunderclan cats had gathered. Firestar continued in a loud but monotone voice "Starkit step forward. Your a strong, brave cat and thus you shall be my apprentice."

All the cats gave out a comically large gasp

"Glitterkit, step forward" now Firestar sounded bored. Despite herself, Larchkit couldn't help feeling a teensy bit offended. "It's time your an apprentice...Your mentor 'll be...umm...how about Foxheart?"

A cat that resembled Foxleap bounded forward. He had the same clouded "One second Firestar" Larchkit mewed before the ginger leader could officially name her Glitterpaw  
>"I don't want to be called Glitterpaw."<p>

The crowd of cats gave another comic gasp. Oh sure_, _she thought, they do it to me but not when Starpaw becomes Gleamstar...

Firestar looked down on her with cloudy green eyes "What do you wish it to be?" "Larchpaw."

"Okay." Firestar rumbled "Your Larchpaw now. Yay."

The crowd started to cheer Starpaw and (to a lesser extent) Larchpaw's name. As the crowd drifted away aimlessly, Larchpaw got a chance to think about the Firestar and the queen's odd behavior. Both of them had clouded eyes; was that how Starpaw controlled them? Larchpaw suddenly realized just how powerful Starpaw on the bright side, she thought, I managed to snap that queen out for a minute!

_Dammit Hollykit..._

**Author's Note: Hello folks! I hope you enjoyed (I know it was a bit serious for a pretty goofy story but I want it to have a story too). Just so you know, I won't always do these little notes unless I have something to talk about. In this case, I would like to know how you liked the direction I took with the story; I was having a bit of trouble on that. I was thinking of maybe dropping Larchkit off in an enemy clan or when Starpaw had become Stargleam but I decided against those. Do you think I made the right choice? Please R&R with questions, suggestions and emotional support XD  
><strong>


	3. Chapter 3: Cooleyes and Lakepaw

Larchpaw struggled through the mountains of cats coming to congratulate Starpaw. The purple she-cat beamed (making Larchpaw wonder if she could break her weird mind-control thing if she knocked a few teeth out) and mewed "Thank you! Thank you! I'm so humble, I know!"

Okay, Larchpaw had made up that last comment, but she wasn't _too _far off. Then again, it was hard to even hear herself think, over the high pitched shouts of "Ohhhh! Your so kawaii!" and "Oh my mouse-tails! Your gonna be the best apprentice EVER!" If she ever made it out of this without being to insane, she would flay Bluestar. Maybe even Yellowfang if she was feeling brave. Finally, she stumbled out of the mass of warriors, panting for breath - they looked like they had all had about five mice too many and had yet to realize that. Put simply, they were all incredibly 'plump'. Once she'd caught her breath, she shambled into the apprentice den, growling to herself. The (already not especially long) fuse that kept her from exploding into a whirlwind of brown tabby fury, was about a mouse-tail long.

Inside the apprentice den, there were still two cats. Larchpaw was unsure how that was even possible, because it had felt like she had clawed her way past all the cats in Thunderclan (and half the cats in Shadowclan too) as she escaped the unholy mass of _star_-struck cats. One of the she-cats was as bizarrely colored as Starpaw - she had a bluish grey pelt with shiny blue sparkles and cerulean eyes. The other cat was slightly more normal, but even then she was still weird - she had a bright, fiery orange pelt and dual colored eyes. Well, Larchpaw thought, at least they don't have stars on their heads. Both of them looked around the same age - eight moons.

The blue she-cat nodded to her, "Hey Gli- I mean Larchpaw. I'm so happy Starpaw will be sharing our den! Aren't you? Your lucky, you got to have the Nursery with her." The ginger she-cat nodded in agreement "She's sooo kawaii!"

Larchpaw crumpled down into a nest. Even though she knew if she fell asleep, she was going to see Starclan, and that if she saw Starclan she would almost certainly bite their whiskers off; if she heard the sentence "Starpaw's so kawaii," she would claw her ears off. And probably the ears of whatever cat had the misfortune of sitting next to her. So she forced herself to close her eyes and fall asleep...

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><p><strong>Hah. You thought that was the end didn't you. Psyche!<br>**

* * *

><p>"You." Larchpaw had just started to fall asleep when she heard the high and haughty voice of Starpaw. Hesitantly, she opened her eyes. Starpaw was looming over the ginger, dual-eyed apprentice who was still sitting next her sparkly blue friend, with yet another female apprentice guarding her back. Quickly the ginger (who Larchpaw decided to think of as Cooleyes until she learned her actual name due to the author's laziness) bolted to her paws "Starpaw! It's so great you're gonna share a den with me n' Lakepaw now!" Starpaw somehow managed to look down her snout while looking up at the older she-cat. "Yeah. Since that's going to be the case, your going to have to move. I've gotta sleep in the middle, of course. Shoo!"<p>

Cooleyes blinked for a moment, "Y-yeah, sounds good Starpaw," she mewed before slipping into a moss nest near the edge of the den. Lakepaw placed her grey-blue tail on her flank gently. Starpaw plopped down in the nest before leaping back up as if she'd been burned. "That is nowhere _near _fluffy enough moss for someone as delicate as _I _to lie upon! Jazzpaw, fluff that up right away!"

Larchpaw closed her eyes again. Sure, it was awful that poor Cooleyes had to sleep with the cold breeze blowing up her fur, but there was nothing to be done about that. Mind control is mind control and she and her friend seemed to still be under it. Resigned to sleep, Larchpaw blocked out Starpaw demanding that Jazzpaw de-fluff her moss a bit because it was_ far_ too fluffy for her to sleep in.

Larchpaw awoke in Starclan. She recognized the place instantly - it was beautiful, sunny meadow with large boulders perfect for sunning yourself. She had dumped enough slugs onto sleeping cats with Hollykit to also know that had no convenient tree roots to trip over. Perfect, she thought, I could make a swift get-away if I _accidentally _flay someone. Preferably whatever mouse-brained version of Bluestar they have here.

"Sorry to disappoint you Larchpaw," a rough voice purred "But there won't be any flaying."

Larchpaw sighed "I said that out loud didn't I."

A spiky furred tom smiled down at her from one of the rocks, his teeth like jagged thorns. In an instant, she recognized him.

"Thistleclaw!? What are you doing here?!"

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><p><strong>Sorry this update's a bit late! It's not as long as I hoped, but I wanted to leave you a cliff hanger. I know, I'm evil. Soon I'll get an allegiance up and it'll have some context and notes and stuff. Also, may I just give a (pretty happy) shout-out to Kiwi-Caught-In-Silky-Breeze and Pokesnail for helping this story get nominated for the best-up-and-coming-spoof on the award fic "The Next Big Thing"! We didn't win, but came in close second. I'm done bragging now. Thank you guys so much and please R&amp;R!<br>**


	4. Allegiances

**Allegiances:**

**Thunderclan**

**Leader:** Firestar - ginger tom with a flame-colored pelt

**Deputy: **Brambleclaw - dark brown tom with amber eyes

**Medicine Cat: **Jayfeather - grey tom with blue eyes

**Warriors:**

Greystripe - long haired grey tom

Dustpelt - dark brown tabby tom

Sandstorm - pale ginger she-cat

Cloudtail - long-haired white tom

Brackenfur - golden brown tabby tom

Sorreltail - tortoiseshell and white she-cat with amber eyes

Brightheart - white she-cat with ginger patches

Spiderleg - long-limbed black tom with a brown underbelly and amber eyes

Whitewing - white she-cat with green eyes

Birchfall - light brown tabby tom

Squirrelflight - dark ginger she-cat with green eyes

Berrynose - cream-colored tom

Hazeltail - small grey and white she-cat

Mousewhisker - grey and white tom

Cinderheart - grey tabby she-cat

Poppyfrost - tortoiseshell she-cat

Honeyfern - light brown tabby she-cat

Lionblaze - golden tabby tom

Hollyleaf - black she-cat

Foxheart - reddish tabby tom

Icefire - white she-cat

Toadribbit - black and white tom **(This is legit)**

Roseflame - dark cream she-cat

Briarstorm - dark brown she-cat

Bumbleflower - very pale grey tom with black stripes **(No seriously, I'm not making these up)**

Blossomwind - pale brown she-cat with a dark stripe along her spine

**Apprentices:**

Redpaw - fiery ginger she-cat with one blue eye and one green eye. Aka "Cooleyes".

Lakepaw - bright blue grey she-cat with bright blue eyes

Flamepaw - dark ginger tom **(Actually, Flamepaw was Redpaw's original name. But it changes multiple times, so I decided to make them different characters. Also, there are no tom apprentices in the original for the reason I can only guess as Starkit's taste for *ahem* _Older_ toms.)  
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Jazzpaw - red she-cat with a black tail and blue eyes

Daisypaw - creamy-brown she-cat

**Queens: **

Ferncloud - pale grey (with darker flecks) she-cat with green eyes. Mother to Dustpelt's kits. **(Do you want to know who her kits are? Well too bad for you then - Darkroses didn't have a clue either. Do you guys want them to become characters? Or should I stick to the original - if inconsistent - cast?)**

Dawnsparkle - bright tortoiseshell she-cat with gargantuan blue eyes. Mother to Jayfeather's kits. Formerly Shadowclan.

**Kits:**

Starkit - beautiful purple she-cat with gorgeous, malting orange eyes and crisp, perfect star on her head

Glitterkit - totally normal brown tabby she-kit

**Elders:**

Mousefur - small dusky brown she-cat

Longtail - pale tabby tom with dark stripes

Weaselpelt - big red tabby tom with yellow eyes. Formally Shadowclan.

**Well those are the allegiances for the start of Starkit's prophecy. Please R&R and hold on till next Thursday for the next chapter!**


End file.
